Long Overdue

Originally Posted 4/12/08
Sometimes in life, some things are so painful that you just can't face them for a while. Then, when you are ready, you come back to them-in small doses. Such is the case with this story.I was in denial. The strange thing is, is this was a death I was expecting. Nevertheless, I was stalling for time. It took me longer than usual to get ready-longer than usual to leave the house-longer than usual to do everything. As a result, we were almost late for the funeral.Let me back up a little.
Just a few weeks before, I was lavished with a gift that I can only describe as God-given. I was given a few precious hours. Hours in which to see a loving look between a mother and a daughter. Hours to hear that beautiful laugh one more time. Most precious, however, was that I got to hear-"You have done well. I am very pleased with you." That is a treasure that I will hold in my heart forever.
Back to the funeral. We were exhausted. I couldn't sleep the night before, and Brandon had worked all night. By the grace of God, we managed to get there just in time, and were seated at the back of the auditorium.
The moment we arrived, I knew I was in serious trouble. My "grace under pressure" act was not going to work for me today. I saw the building where I had spent so many hours-where I had literally grown up-the building that she had helped decorate-and I could barely hold back the tears.
I did my best to listen to the sermon. And then I heard him say, "She knew that she wouldn't be a preacher, so she did the next best thing. She taught young women to be wives and mothers." At this point, I had to stop listening. I was about to lose control and not be able to stop crying. I managed to hold it in, even walking past the casket, but my brain was turned off. Fortunately, I am experienced at turning off my brain, so it turned out OK.
When we walked outside, I saw people in little groups, making small talk. Where to eat lunch, children's school activities, etc. And I was angry. I wanted to shout, "Don't you understand? This woman changed my life, and now she's gone!" I didn't understand how the world could go on as normal, when it so obviously wasn't normal.
At the cemetery, I went off by myself and just sat for a while. I thought about how much she loved that little place by the lake, and it made me feel a little better. I thought about the fact that even in the painful last few days of her life, she remembered who I was. And maybe, just maybe, she loved me as much as I loved her. What a blessing to know such a wise and caring person!What do you say or do to honor a person who has enriched your life in such a dramatic way? I suppose the only thing to do is to carry on her legacy-with honor and commitment. And long for the time when memories only make me smile instead of cry.