12/8/77-10/26/05

Strange how living with a volcano can force you to walk on eggshells.
I wish so many things now, but most of all, I wish I had understood in time. In reality, I gained my understanding too late-in a letter.
What we really needed, I think, was the bomb squad. There was so much inside-so much pain and anger-with no pressure valve. I know that scared you. It scared me too. What would have happened if you had opened up? Could it be contained? Would it be worth the risk of injury?
Such a fragile situation. Sometimes it seems better to keep the cap on it in the effort to keep everything contained. Stay calm and detached. Self medicate until you can't feel anymore, and most of all, don't let anything push you too far.
Unfortunately, the volcano can't stand the pressure forever. Even when the volcano implodes on itself, there is collateral damage.
I am so sorry, baby brother, that I understood too late. I'm sorry I couldn't make the pain go away. I would've taken it for you if I could. I'm sorry that all the things I knew to do weren't what you needed. Most of all, I'm sorry you're not here.
I love you, and I will miss you forever.