Gideon's Tooth Story

Once upon a time, there was a cavity. Then hygiene was born! Then the hygiene was sneaking up on the cavity while it was eating a tooth. And then, he was about to kill him, and he said *singing*, "Why can't we be friends? Why can't we be friends? Why can't we be friends?"
And then he threw his spear back (this is in the future). And then the cavity grabbed it & threw it at him and then someone walked up and had a sign that said, "You splattered him!"
And then he pulled out the spear and then used it to break out all the teeth.
The End

Gideonese, Lesson 2 (Phrases & Sentences)

And now, for Lesson 2 in Gideonese, phrases and sentences. These are sure to impress your friends and cause gross mental confusion.

Most Agobiness
Translation-"Almost Godliness", from a line in Ratatouille.
No way, Hose B
Translation-"No way, Jose" (that one makes me giggle)
They'll all be crying in their sockies!
Translation-"They'll be crying in their sake", from a line in M*A*S*H.
Expect your others!
Translation-"Respect your elders."

I thought I should make a record of these things, because Gideon is beginning to assimilate into complete American English. I must say I'm a bit saddened by this. I can only hope that Gideonese doesn't suffer the same fate as Latin, Aramaic & the U.S. Constitution. But I digress....

In other kid news:
During history last week, I noticed Hannah flattening a piece of paper to the mattress. (Yes, we were having history in bed, under the warm blankets.) When I inquired, she showed me the paper. It was a dry cleaner's tag that read "Hand Press Only". History was temporarily suspended while the teacher regained composure.
I must tell you that Hannah gave me permission to share that little episode.

Kid Quotes 5

Scene: Hannah is reading ingredients for maple syrup from a cookbook.

Mom-"Wouldn't it be easier to go buy syrup?"

Hannah-"You have to learn to make things on your own. That way you don't have to depend on the economy."

Mom-"Did you hear that from us or TV?"

Hannah-"News. They show a lot of crazy things while you're waiting for the weather."



Scene: Gabriel is getting ready for basketball practice.

Mom-"Are you excited about basketball?"

Gabriel-"Duh. I got mad skills."



Scene: Samuel is in Dad's lap, inspecting him for some kind of imaginary job.

Samuel-"No dirt, moustache, not too much bald spot, unibrow. You're hired. I like you kind of people."



Scene: Family in the living room, watching TV. All is quiet.

Gideon-(shouting) "Can't you make those Christmas lights stop flashing?!? They're driving me nuts!"

Kid Quotes 4

Hannah-"I can't remember all these stinkin' Caesars. I'm just gonna call them the Salad Family."

(Mom walks into the room to tuck Samuel into bed. The blankets are arranged into a rounded structure with walls.)
Mom-"What is that, a nest?"
Samuel-"No, it's my fortress."
Mom-"Oh, ok. Do you really need a fortress for sleeping?"
Samuel-"It's my fortress of solitude."

(With Christmas approaching, Gabriel is trying to learn to wrap his own gifts. Wrapping them is not a problem. Making the packages look like the ones on TV is a constant source of frustration.)
Gabriel-"I can't get this right! The stupid tape keeps getting messed up!"
Mom-"Keep trying. Here-I'll fix the tape for you."
Gabriel-(sigh) "Can't you wrap a Christmas present without all this chaos?"

Dad-"Is forklift one word or two?"
Mom-"One."
Gideon-"Where did it go?"
Mom-"Where did what go?"
Gideon-"His fork. When it left, where did it go?"

Meineke and the Cheese Brain

Since I don't play video games, the boys really like for me to watch them play. This is a great source of entertainment around here. Such was the case this evening. The littles had gone to bed, Hannah was on the computer, and Samuel wanted me to watch him play Star Wars.
He was showing me all the different characters, especially the creepy robot one that I don't really like.
Sam-"Watch how he runs. He's fast. Thunk, thunk, thunk."
Mom-"He has a hard time stopping, doesn't he? He keeps running into things."
Sam-"Yeah, he really needs Meineke."

Gideon has a cheese brain. He has explained this to me in great detail. He has a God brain, and that's the one that tells him to do good things. And then there's the cheese brain. The cheese brain is the part that tries to get him to do bad things. The devil has something to do with this cheesy process, apparently.
So when he does something wrong, he will invariably smack himself in the forehead & say, "There goes my cheese brain again!"

Kid Quotes 3

While watching Dancing with the Stars.....
Hannah: "He's the mambo king. Living in his mambo world. Where they eat mambojalaya."

Mom: "Here. Try these on."
Samuel: "I don't want them!"
Mom: "They're Levis!"
Samuel: "I don't care who Levi is! He can keep his pants!"

More Dancing with the Stars. The 'Baby Got Back' number.
Gabriel: "Now that's just plain sick!"

At bedtime....
Mom: "Your bed looks nice."
Gideon: "Yes. Be very careful. I put a lot of effort into this."

Kid Quotes 2

Gary, this first one is for you. :)

Hannah-"When we ask God to forgive us, does He really?"
Mom-"Yeah, 'cause that's how He rolls."
Hannah-"In the 8-1-Heaven."

Mom-"You're all in trouble, and you're all grounded."
Gabriel-"I didn't make a bad choice! I'm not in trouble!"
Samuel-"You weren't even there, because you're already grounded!"
Gabriel-"I know."

Dentist-"I'll let you play with the puzzles, and long as you don't fight. You don't ever fight, do you?"
Gabriel-"Sometimes we do. It's kind of our thing."

Mom-"You're inside already? I thought you wanted to play outside."
Gideon-"I decided to come in. Know why?"
Mom-"Why?"
Gideon-"I'm having a little bit of a bad day. People keep being mean to me. I think we both need a nap."

In Defense of Freaks, Part 2

The last time I addressed this subject, I came to the defense of Jesus Freaks. This time, I am defending another type of freak-the home school family.
Last night, my daughter had her first debate about home schooling. I must say, she conducted herself admirably. Honestly, this exchange bothered me more than it bothered her. Mainly because I thought we were past all this. It seems that the only anti-home school holdouts are the NEA. Of course, home schools are a threat to their livelihood. They have reason to fear. Home schooling is growing at a national average of about 10%.
Here's the gist of the conversation:

Friend-"Why are you home schooled? Public school is so much better!"
Hannah-"What's better about it?"
Friend-"Home schoolers don't have any friends." (This is Hannah's friend speaking. Duh.)
Hannah-"I have a lot of friends."
Friend-"Home schoolers aren't socialized." (I wonder where she heard this?)
Hannah-"I go to a fine arts school with lots of kids." (Over 500)
Friend-"I've already learned 3 notes in band."
Hannah-"I'm trying out for Honor Band next semester." (Hannah's band class meets for band for 2 hours, once a week. Public school band meets every day.)
Friend-"We're going on a field trip to Bass Hall next week."
Hannah-"We went twice last week."
Friend-"Home schoolers don't have as many activities."
Hannah-"I have church stuff, band, drama, horse riding lessons and I'm in Honor Choir."

Note that I am not condemning anyone for their family's educational choice. I am defending the choice of our family to home school.
The tired argument that home schoolers aren't socialized is just insane. The only "socialization" that my kids are missing is the kind I don't want them to have. Not just the bullying and mean-spirited behavior that I remember from institutionalized school, but being exposed to adult subject matter at an early age.
Another matter is the worldly outlook that public schools are forced to observe. Refusal to teach intelligent design as an alternative to evolution, reluctance to teach purity until marriage, acceptance of alternative lifestyles, etc., etc., etc.
I am in no way blaming school employees for this state of affairs. It is the system that I believe is broken. Government education, just like any other government program, has grown into a beast that feeds on itself. If it were shut down tomorrow, it would devastate our economy. Public education is big business. A majority of property tax goes to public schools, and yet it never seems to be enough. A home school family can provide an excellent education for a fraction of the cost. What is wrong here?
I know very few "bad" teachers or administrators. They are working in a system that has been mismanaged terribly. It has become very much about test scores and preparing adults that will support the economy. The joy of learning is no longer encouraged in teacher or student. The celebration of an inquisitive nature is quickly sacrificed in the noble quest for conformity.
No one knows children like their parents do. No one loves, nor has the vested interest that we have in our children. We know their strengths and weaknesses. A teacher with 20 students does not have time to understand my child that well, nor would I expect them to.
I can tutor them at their own pace. I can let them soar in their strengths and support them in their weaknesses. "No child gets left behind." We have a more flexible schedule, we are able to take advantage of "teachable moments", we can decide to go the science museum in the middle of the day while we're learning about dinosaurs! I could go on and on. The benefits of home schooling are limitless.
It has been said, "Public schools need Christian kids." Maybe so, but I am not willing to sacrifice my children on the altar of a system that is no longer functioning properly.

Kid Quotes

Hannah-"OK, we're going to have to evacuate. I think Arkansas will be far enough."

Mom-"Alright, you're getting an extra chore for that."
Samuel-"That's it! I'm giving you guys a horrible mention!" (That is the opposite of an honorable mention.)

Mom-"Now what does the red light mean?"
Gabriel-"Stop."
Mom-"What about the green light?"
Gabriel-"Go."
Mom-"Do you know what the yellow light means?"
Gabriel-"That means you stop for gas & tires."

Gideon-"I think I'm going to be an Army man when I grow up."
Mom-"That's a brave job."
Gideon-"I'm going to try to defend our country."
Hannah-"You're going to be an Army man?"
Gideon-"Yes, I'm going to try to protect our country. Now just be quiet about it."

Pint-Sized Entomologist Makes Discovery!

Thanks to my Superman husband, I now have a tiny pond in my front yard. This pond is to be a future habitat for Samuel's turtle, who has grown from the size of a silver dollar as a newborn to the size of a dinner plate at seven.
Anyway, we were outside watering. In Texas, this is a popular hobby. The boys were with me, looking at the pond, when they discovered a dead bug. Good home school family that we are, we launch into a discussion about jewel beetles.
Suddenly, Gideon says, "Let's do CPR!" The rest of his medical team decide this is a wise course of treatment for the jewel beetle. I don't have to tell you what happened next. Had the jewel beetle been alive, he didn't stand a chance against this kind of malpractice.
Samuel said, "Ewwww! Mom look! He has white blood!"
In a serious tone, Gideon says, "Those are his white blood cells. That's probably what killed him."

Things Overhead During A Wrestling Match

Gideon-"Oh, you hurt my nose!"
Gabriel-"Already?"
Gideon-"No blood. I'm good."

Gideon-"Don't make me go all Chinese on you!"

Gabriel-"Meet my muscles-Fred and Fredrick."
Gideon-"Hello, Cedric."
Gabriel-"No! Fredrick!"

Gideon-"Don't make me put you inside the TV."
Samuel-"Quit that! It's gonna cut off your circulation!"
Gideon-"What's a circle-lation?"Samuel-(spins him in a circle)"That's what it is!"

The Real Winners

Originally Posted 8/16/08

We had a hard time getting home from Bible study Wednesday night.
Usually, when we can get the kids gathered together at the same time, we tell them it's time to go. Then the boys race to the car. This time, things were different.
Because they are racing and I'm not, I reach the door several minutes after they do. I walked out the door expecting to see them waiting for me at the van. They weren't there. They were standing at various distances from the van. Just standing there in the parking lot.
I was at the same time confused and intrigued. I said to them, "What are you doing? Let's go!" Samuel said to me, "But Mom! He who is first shall be last, and he who is last shall be first!"
Obviously, I couldn't argue with this. He had the Biblical advantage on me. So, I decided to be first (or last), so we could get in the van and go home.
"For the last shall be first, and the first last; for many called, but few are chosen." Matthew 20:16

A Genius Discovery

Orignially Posted 4/22/08

Disclaimer: I do not in any way condone, or otherwise allow this type of behavior in my home. Rest assured that once I stopped laughing, I put a stop to it right away.
I walked into the room to find Samuel with Gabriel's hair in one hand, and Gideon's hair in the other.
I said (in a stern, yet puzzled voice), "Samuel, let go of your brothers!"
He said, "Mom, these are my bells! Watch!"
Sure enough, when he pulled Gabriel's hair, he yelled in one note. When he pulled Gideon's hair, he yelled in a completely different pitch.
My son, the musical genius.

LTC Short Film, Part 2

Originally Posted 2/10/08

Eli's Wicked Sons (to the tune of "Bad to the Bone" by George Thorogood and the Destroyers)

From the day we was born, Little Levites of Eli, Dad never spanked us, or taught us the law
No one spoke up, as we took the meat, let me tell you honey, we're bad to the bone

Bad to the bone, bad to the bone, b-b-b-b-b-bad, b-b-b-b-b-bad, bad to the bone

We broke 1,000 hearts, that's a lot for a Jew, we'll break 1,000 more baby, before we are through
Our Dad tried to tell us, to quit all this stuff, but we told him, "Daddy, we're bad to the bone"

Bad to the bone, bad to the bone, b-b-b-b-b-bad, b-b-b-b-b-bad, bad to the bone

LTC Short Film, Part 1

Originally Posted 2/8/08

I decided to post some stuff about the kids' short film, because it's so darn cute, and besides, it's my blog, and I can. :)
Hannah decided to do a musical this year (big surprise), and her friend Hannah Ruthie said she would help as part of her Leadership Challenge. The songs they have written are awesome! The subject is 1 Samuel, and I will post the songs in order of appearance.

Hannah Praying (to the tune of "Help!" by the Beatles) sung by Hannah

Help! I need somebody.
Help! Not just anybody.
Help! You know I need someone. Help!

Oh God, You see my grief, for I don't have a son.
Remember me, Oh Lord, You're the only one
Who can give me children, there's no one like You,
No one besides You, No rock like our God
Oh God, Peninnah has children, and she won't let me forget that even once,
Lord God, won't You please give me a son?
Won't You please, please help me?

Oh Lord, You see my tears, You see my broken heart,
Even now I pray to You, I'm gonna fall apart
Oh God, I'm on my knees, begging You to hear, my plea for a son, I want to reach Your ear
Help me if You will, I'm feelin' down,
and I do appreciate You bein' 'round, Lord, won't You listen to my sound?
Won't you please, please help me?

The Lord brings death and You know He brings life,
the Lord sends poverty and He sends wealth,
Oh Lord, You made the earth, All I ask from You,
Give me a son, Oh Lord, I'd give him back to You

Help me if You will, I'm feelin' down,
and I do appreciate You bein' 'round, Lord, won't You listen to my sound?
Won't You please, please help me?

Help me. Help me. Woo.

More World Conquering from the Testosterone Brothers

Originally Posted 2/3/08

They have a new game, Blackhawk Down, and they spent most of the afternoon in training for world domination. The only problem, however, is that they can't seem to resist blowing each other to bits.
Here's how the scene unfolds. Gabriel & Gideon are both in helicopters, and Samuel is on foot patrol. They're supposed to be rescuing some Marines. Gabriel opens fire on Gideon's helicopter.
Gabriel-"Watch out! I just shot you."
Mom-"Fly away, Gideon!"
Gideon-"Aaaaaahhhhhh!"
Gabriel-"Come back here! I'm not done killing you yet!"
Samuel-"Gabe, see what happens when you shoot that truck!"
(Big explosion.)
Gabriel-"Sweet!"
Gideon-"Mommy, look! I'm getting away from Gabe!"
Gabriel-"I wonder what happens if I jump out of the helicopter?"
Gideon-"It won't let you. I already tried."
Samuel-"Run, Gideon! Gabe's chasing you!"
Gabriel (to people on the ground)-"Don't think I don't see you. Yippee, ki ay ki ay, today is a special day, yippee ki ay ki oo, today we shoot you hoo hoo. Ho ho ho."
Samuel-"Man, I just stepped on my own land mine."
As far as I know, those poor Marines have still not been rescued.

That Was A Close One!

Originally Posted 2/2/08

Gideon: Mom, I want a brother.
Mom: You have two brothers already.
Gideon: I want more & more & more brothers until our house is completely full of beds.
Mom: Sorry, I'm not in charge of handing out brothers.
Gideon: You could make another baby.
(This is where I begin to panic-but I play it cool.)
Mom: God's the one who makes babies.
Gideon: Make a robot baby.
Mom: You go make a robot baby.
Gideon: I don't know how.
Mom: I don't either.
(At this point, Gideon decides he's Robocop and shows me the gun built into his leg. Whew!)

Introduction to Gideonese, Lesson 1

Originally Posted 1/5/08

Gideonese is a complex language, ever evolving. Just remember-the study of Gideonese is not for the faint of heart. Here is lesson 1. The first word or phrase is in Gideonese, followed by the English translation.
Kaypotch=Ketchup
Telzone-Telephone (e.g., Liar, liar, pants on fire. Hang your clothes on a telzone wire)
Hermit Crack=Hermit Crab
Lionheads 2-Secondhand Lions, the movie (this is actually Samuelese, later adopted by Gideon)
Clinker=Taken from a line in A Christmas Story, this is Gideon's special name for Guy Rodgers, and is occasionally used to annoy others as well.
I'm starving to death!=This phrase is used as a request for nourishment (e.g., breakfast, lunch, dinner, various snack times).
Nose fight=this is a game in which Gideon presses his nose against another person's nose. Since he apparently has no cartilage in his nose, this is quite painful for his opponent. If you hear this phrase, run like the wind.
Handsome & Griddle=Hansel & Gretel
Mom, cook.=Good morning
You're beautiful=Thank you for breakfast
In lesson 2, we will explore Gideonese phrases used to stay up past bedtime and avoid cleaning your part of the bedroom.
Thank you for your attention.

The Junior World Conquering Society of America

Originally Posted 1/4/08

I used to believe the media hype that playing with toy guns makes little boys more prone to violence. Now that I have 3 boys of my own, I've changed my mind about that. I'm now convinced that they are hard-wired to love weapons.
If you don't buy a boy a toy gun, he will make a gun out of household objects. I promise you, a grilled cheese sandwich makes a fine gun, when eaten in the right way. Sticks, curtain rods and wrapping paper tubes also make great swords for knights in training.
Brandon got a Game Stop gift card for Christmas, so they all went in search of hard-core weaponry. Their favorite place is the used game shelf. They came home with enough games to explode things to their hearts' content.
The next ritual, I admit, is lost on the estrogen-producers of the house. Here's how it works-the men of the house battle each other and take turn battling numerous computer opponents. Smack-talking is apparently an essential part of this ritual. Here is an example:
Samuel-"Dude, I am like, whipping you!"
Gabriel-"Take that! (maniacal laugh)"
This trash-talking often digresses into actual wrestling matches, much to the delight of all involved. Gideon, the junior member of this society, tends to root for whatever brother is winning at the moment. He does pay careful attention to the ritual, so that when he gets a turn, there won't be a breach of male etiquette.
Earlier this evening, Samuel was learning the new war game, and was in the supply truck for another gun. Here's what was said:
Brandon-"Sam, don't shoot in the truck! You'll blow everything up!"
Samuel-"Yay!"
See what I mean? There's no escaping it. And it starts early. Gideon has a new game where I guess what job he wants when he grows up. Usually it's fireman, policeman or doctor. This is how it went yesterday:
Gideon-"Mommy, guess what I want to be when I grow up."
Mom-"A firefighter?"
Gideon-"No! I want to be an army man."
Mom-"Oh really? Why do you want to be a soldier?"
Gideon-"Because that's the only way I can get a machine gun and a Bazooka."
There's no hope for Hannah & I-we are outnumbered. When we can't take anymore of the testosterone fest, we retreat to do our nails and listen to music, and leave them to conquer the world on their own.

The Singing, Cornet-Playing Ballerina

Originally Posted 8/20/07
We had our first day of TAFA today. For all you foreigners, TAFA stands for Travis Academy of Fine Arts. This our second year, and the kids absolutely love it. TAFA is home to over 500 of the most creative, talented homeschoolers you will ever meet.
This year, Hannah is taking band, ballet & choir. Samuel is taking choir, art & drama. Here's how it works-on Mondays, we pack up all our belongings in the van and spend the day in Ft. Worth. My job, primarily, is to cart about all those belongings in a tightly packed backpack. There is also a lot of running to get them to the right classes at the right time, lunchroom monitor duties, and teaching the younger two while the older ones are in class.
Of course, after we get home, Hannah had to practice her cornet. This must be done in the schoolroom, as a cornet can be surprisingly loud, especially after having lunchroom monitor duty. After a while, things got quiet in the schoolroom. Apparently, Hannah thought this would be a great time to sneak up on her mother and demonstrate her new horn. Let me tell you, if you have never been surprised by a cornet-playing ballerina, it is something you will never forget. Hannah thought this was the funniest thing she had done in a long time. I assured her that it wouldn't seem so funny when I move her practice out to the back porch.
Samuel wants to sign up for band next year, and we're thinking of something in percussion. Any instrument that gives him permission to whack something with a stick would be appropriate.
All this cornet playing has inspired a rousing game of homemade orchestra. Hannah on the cornet, Samuel playing pots & pans, Gabriel on the keyboard, and Gideon using pot lids for cymbals. This is a popular game at our house that tends to go on for hours.
All this creativity has got me thinking-do parents of creative children buy more Tylenol? It seems to be something worth studying.