2009 Congressional Agenda

Since Congress obviously has this financial crisis well in hand, let's move on to other important issues. We all know that in their capable hands, we will have a budget surplus in no time.
Therefore, as a taxpayer, I feel it is my duty to set their agenda for the next year. They've been working so hard, I figure they could use the help.

1. Appoint Oprah Winfrey as Secretary of State. Oprah obviously knows everything about everything, and already has most of America under her power. Were she to take her show on the road (so to speak), America would achieve world dominance in record time. Besides, Hillary needs to stay home & keep an eye on Bill.

2. Establish an IRS task force to investigate flying Wal-Mart sacks. Every time the wind blows, they are everywhere-an airborne menace. This is just a way for Wal-Mart to get free advertising without paying tax.

3. Immediately ban the sale of so-called 'Athlete's Foot' remedies. The name implies that only athletes can use the product. This is discrimination against non-athletic Americans.

4. All school children must be imprinted with bar codes. These can be used in conjunction with metal detectors at the school, which will be linked to a federal database. This will make public school funding faster and more efficient.

5. Appoint Bernie Madoff sole trustee in charge of distributing money from the bailout package.

6. Issue butterfly nets to all American citizens. These nets can be used to catch carbon emissions, which will then be sent to Al Gore to be recycled into toilet paper.

7. Establish the American Auto Manufacturer's CEO Vacation Fund. These hard working individuals have sacrificed their private jets, so this would help them to maintain their standard of living. It would be funded by the unemployment benefits of furloughed workers.

8. All commercial and household use of ice should be strictly prohibited. All available ice will be taken to repair the polar ice caps.

9. Food that will be consumed by the American public should first be sent through a Chinese processing facility. This will ensure that our food supply contains the level of melamine recommended by the FDA.

10. In addition, all American toy manufacturers must complete a course of instruction produced by the Chinese government on how to lower production costs through the use of lead.

After these suggestions are implemented (by next week, at the latest), Congress will be free to take a taxpayer funded vacation for the rest of the year.