12/8/77-10/26/05

I'm Not Who I Was by Brandon Heath

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was
I used to be mad at you
A little on the hurt side too
But I'm not who I was

I found my way around
To forgiving you
Some time ago
But I never got to tell you so

I found us in a photograph
I saw me and I had to laugh
You know, I'm not who I was
You were there, you were right above me
And I wonder if you ever loved me
Just for who I was

When the pain came back again
Like a bitter friend
It was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you

I reckon it's a funny thing
I figured out I can sing
Now I'm not who I was
I write about love and such
Maybe 'cause I want it so much
I'm not who I was

I was thinking maybe I
I should let you know
I am not the same
But I never did forget your name
Hello

Well the thing I find most amazing
In amazing grace
Is the chance to give it out
Maybe that's what love is all about

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was

Meineke and the Cheese Brain

Since I don't play video games, the boys really like for me to watch them play. This is a great source of entertainment around here. Such was the case this evening. The littles had gone to bed, Hannah was on the computer, and Samuel wanted me to watch him play Star Wars.
He was showing me all the different characters, especially the creepy robot one that I don't really like.
Sam-"Watch how he runs. He's fast. Thunk, thunk, thunk."
Mom-"He has a hard time stopping, doesn't he? He keeps running into things."
Sam-"Yeah, he really needs Meineke."

Gideon has a cheese brain. He has explained this to me in great detail. He has a God brain, and that's the one that tells him to do good things. And then there's the cheese brain. The cheese brain is the part that tries to get him to do bad things. The devil has something to do with this cheesy process, apparently.
So when he does something wrong, he will invariably smack himself in the forehead & say, "There goes my cheese brain again!"

GET OFF THE TRACK! THE TRAIN IS COMING!

What would you do if someone were standing on the train track, and a train was coming? Yeah, me too. But what if the person refused to move? What if they were determined to stand there on the tracks, the train bearing down on them? Maybe you would grab them and try to move them physically. But you can't. You can only stand and watch in horror as the inevitable happens.
Such is the way of addiction.
Once addiction has taken hold of a person, there is a lot of waiting and watching. It is excruciating. You can counsel, urge, cajole, threaten, give ultimatums and offer all manner of rewards. You can even physically force a person into rehab facilities. But ultimately, you have no control. The person in the grip of the addiction must choose if their life is worth saving.
Once you have surrendered control, you often wonder what it will take for the person to make a decision. When will it happen? What will that situation be like? Will they be thinking clearly at that moment, or will they even survive?
While you are waiting for this moment of truth, what do you do? Do you pretend that everything is fine, so that they feel loved? Do you try to make them as uncomfortable as possible until they choose treatment? Do you ignore them completely because it is easier?
I do not have the answers to these questions. One thing I know: only treatment or death awaits the addict. There are no other choices.
Of Satan's many snares, this is the one that baffles me most. Even when it doesn't live in your house, addiction has long arms that can hurt those who are far away.